went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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