I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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