I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
