Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
