I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
