i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
