Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
