i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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