So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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