could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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