Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you had me at cake vodka
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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