If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
