It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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