so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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