dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
