I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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