I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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