U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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