His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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