whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
