If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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