How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
