i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
