What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Randomize
