I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
