Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
