I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
