They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
