I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
