Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
