sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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