Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
