i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
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The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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