bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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