can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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