Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
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I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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