I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Someone signed my nipple.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
