Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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