6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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