like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
