Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
