I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have so many feelings about this burrito
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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