OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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