I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
