i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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