You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
