Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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