someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
