so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
