if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
