my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
