My friends, they love my intelligence
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
