Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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