so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
