true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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