yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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