using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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